My husband is a retired special ops Col. and he is amazing when it comes to motivating people. He does not however like the answer FINE. When people say they are fine they are not confident, happy or in the flow of life. He has an acronym for FINE it is F. freaked out, I. insecure, N. neurotic, E. emotional. And you know that is just how cancer makes you feel at times. So if your feeling FINE then let’s see if we cannot get that boat moving in the right direction.
First, unless you have active or inactive cancer both can make you feel like a spagetti noodle! Or a gutted worm with all the stuffing slung out. If you don’t have cancer you cannot possibly understand how the cancer patient feel. If you are a caregiver you have your own set of issues that can make you feel this way but this is about the patient.
I have often said I have had stage four sarcoma for 8 years. It is inactive meaning not growing however it makes me feel like hammered hell on some days. I have learned that we as patient’s have to use all the tools at our disposal to work up to a day and sometimes those days are rough. I have no cute acronym for those days. You are held together getting what you need to get done by sheer grit and the ability to motivate yourself not to stay in bed all day. I have people all around me that have the luxury of staying in bed and recovery, because someone else is going to get up and do the work for them. That is not me and if you are the major caregiver in your home and ill, it is not you either.
So what do we do. Well, the first thing I am going to tell you is ask for help. Organize your help in ways that make you live a better life. If your a senior sign up for meals on wheels. This way you are not always having to rely on yourself to cook a meal. If you aren’t always make extra casseroles or dishes you can prepare that are easy on your body and your budgetThis is a great alternative.If someone asks you if you need something say sure, I have a pain management surgery on Tuesday how about a cassorole nothing huge or expensive maybe a soup. Something they are eating one night that would make a good left over so there is no extra work on you. Also get some rest. Rest is so important. I took the entire weekend and was going to rest, however this did not happen. I worked myself to the bone because I had to my house was a wreck. Clothes were piling up and I had no choice. Well, I felt I had no choice. I love how my house looks but hate the way my body feels, I could do without the pain. Oh well, we make lots of choices that impact our lives. That is the point of this post.
Our choices can leave us all feeling FINE. And that leads to snips and quips and words being said that shouldn’t. It also makes everyone around you on edge because you are as sharp as a razor blade. You feel like you just slide down a razor blade into a bowl of alcholol to be exact, but you may not realize you are making a lot of people feel the same way.
Here are some sure fire remedies for the FINE’S!
Give yourself permission to not be super human. Martha Stewart has a staff making sure all that staged perfection looks the way it does. I knew her years ago for a day and she talked about how hard it was making her home the show place she wanted it to be. She was sleeping three hours a night and working herself to death. This was way before fame. It was at a luncheon in Pensacola promoting her first book Entertaining. Well, I adore Martha and her ideas, her work ethic and her ironing of sheets but once you have cancer you may have to stretch those things out a bit or bring the sheets to the dry cleaners clean to be ironed. You can live the life you want if you forgo a pizza out and put it toward making your life better.
Now besides rest keep up with your work around the house and at home. Don’t let the sun go down on a dirty kitchen or a untidy home. That way on the days you wake up feeling like hell you are not looking at a mess you feel like there is no way to conquor.
Also remember that you are dealing with an unknown variable something that can change by the minute. Prepare. If your not in this to win it , the entire process will eat you alive.
Each day I get up think about my Uncle and my Dad who are going through completely different processes in the cancer journey. Or maybe it is the life journey. But all the families members are praying, bargaining and making it right with God. The other common denominator is peace. Find some peace. Peace within yourself, peace with your mortality, peace with the process because peace fosters health. Just as stress makes you health decline.
Let’s handle the acronym one letter at a time.
F. Freaked Out: Well, in the beginning of a cancer diagnosis you are freaked out. You have this feeling of impending doom like tomorrow you will not wake and nothing will every be the same. You also feel like you will always be thinking about the C word forever. Not so, as you adjust to the idea of this chronic illness, God willing, you will begin to notice that you will go days without thinking about it unless someone brings it up. And folks that should be a No-No don’t talk cancer 24/7. Give it a rest. Allow for some normality to return to your life.
I. Insecure: we are all insecure and cancer hits all parts of our lives. Did I prepare well enough for my family if something happens? Is life every going to be the same? Will I ever feel like myself again, strong and happy? Well honestly some things have no answer but this I can promise you worrying over them will not get you one step close to an answer than just living will. So stop spinning and live. What happens after your gone will be. And in all things even if they are hard they work out. Being insecure about your health is another idea we all get. I swear we see cancer in each thing, a cough it has spread. You wake to swollen eyes you have a brain tumor. But those things will settle off. Think of how blessed you have been to have hundreds of doctors visits under you belt!!!And you came out healthy. I would be willing to bet until this health crisis all those visits were good so don’t think they will all be bad from now on.
N. Neurotic. Well everything in our lives do feel on hyper alert status. Did you know that the national center for health revealed that a cancer patient feels the same PTSD as a solider or a person who has seen a horrid robbing or killing. So you will be a little over vigilant about things in life. Besides this is probably the first time you have realized life is not a forever thing. It is finite. So be kind to yourself and others. And spend some time on a shrinks couch or find a great community of friends online that can support you and make you feel like you are not alone. I found a small community that had not grown wild when I was first healing that saved my life. I had folks living normal lives with cancer, even the host has cancer. Now it is a a thriving ning. So head out and find a support group that fits you. If groups aren’t your style find a set of friends that can perk you up, make light of life and make your own posse of friends. Make time to see them each week and make time to laugh and carry on. It is good for the soul.
E. Emotional. Well, this says it all. Cancer makes you emotional. It has many unseen gifts. If you are a strong and dynamic person you will find that you are different now and people will react differently to you. However you will have your moments of crying, and being sentimental. You are being given a Dharma (life) lesson. So you may cry at commercials on tv or at unexpected times in church or looking a great art. Your mind begins to appreciate all the beauty you see all that you were running to fast on the tick tock playground to pay attention too before . So enjoy. Have the good cry give the bad ones put a time limit on and when cornered by something unstructured or unfamiliar just be yourself, people will adjust.
Now, once you put all the remedies into place you will no longer feel FINE you will be a bad ass survivor. So straighten those shoulders and move into the world with a new confidence. Life is beautiful and you have seen the best and worst and are now a teacher. Rejoice in all change as Russel Simmons says DO YOU!!!! You cannot make a mistake.
Now when people ask you how you are say Fabulous!
Callie Broussard-Wheeler